Of Doubts and Certainties: Against Death and Faith
by dr.hamstervil
Summary: This is set at very end of the series. So if you have not finished it yet, do not read this.  *hint at the very end . As a good friend of mine said, this is more like a very detailed ending. XD


a/n: Beside the obvious disclaimer (that being I do not own KnM and that I am but a poor fan who writes stories for Chikane and Himeko), I would like to apologize for not being able to continue with my other story. Needless to say, I'm stuck. But I wanted, no _needed, _to finish something.

So here you go.

This is set at very end of the series. So If you have not finished it yet, do not read this. (*hint at the _very end_)

Otherwise, ENJOY! (and comments are always, _always_, appreciated.)

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><p>Chikane Himemiya gently blew on the hot vapor her coffee was giving off. She let the aroma fill her senses, breathing in deeply. She needed something strong for the day ahead so her usual tea breakfast was replaced with black coffee, extra strong, no sugar. She felt the caffeine wake her senses even more. The coffee was taking its effect on her and she loved the sensation of renewed energy in the morning. She hardly slept the night before, and today was not the day to feel sleepy or even tired.<p>

She walked to the veranda, cradling her cup of coffee. She thought about the day ahead and had a fleeting idea that maybe she should have had asked for a mug of coffee instead of a cup. Or maybe two shots of espresso, sans the cream and sugar, just pure espresso. Maybe three. No, that's too much. Perhaps the black coffee was exactly what she needed, nothing more, nothing less.

How long has she waited for this day? No, the thought is unbearable. Too long. But she is ready now. She has been ready for a long time. And she is most certainly ready now. Is she?

She had failed once before. She will not fail one more time. No, that's not true. She has failed many times before. She had let her guard down many times before. She had let her true self go, and yet at the same time, she had kept a part of herself, that part which should have been forgotten. But enough. She will remember what needs to be remembered, forget what needs to be forgotten, and curse the gods who will go against her. Yes, she can do that. She can do anything. She has done even _this_. Nothing more, no one else, not even divine intervention can stop her now. She has learned to fight. She knows she can win. Pity the old immortals who will stop her. Nothing can stop her anymore. She will not be bound by fate anymore. Only she determines her fate now. Only she will dictate what her future holds. Nothing can stop her anymore.

Perhaps only this tired feeling. Yes she needs her coffee now.

She takes one more sip as she looks out into the world.

* * *

><p>Himeko Kurusugawa is not late.<p>

For the first time in a very long time, maybe even ever, she woke up way before her alarm clock shrilled. Being unable to go back to sleep, and finding nothing better to do, she finally decided to take a bath and go to work early for a change. She was ready in less than hour, took her time eating breakfast, and still had more than enough time to go to work. She could probably encounter the mother of all traffic jams at the metro, and she will still be at work ahead of time. Yes, that's exactly how early she was.

She decided to take a walk then. A photographer always needs fresh perspectives anyway, and the walk should give her one today. She was sure of that.

She stopped.

She had only been sure of only thing her entire life. And her world revolved around that one belief. She was sure she was incomplete. She was sure she was waiting for something, no, someone. She had met great friends and she will not be one to complain for she has always been grateful for their presence. They made her seem less empty. But that was the magic word: "seem". She only _seemed_ complete and contented when she was with them, but in reality, her heart was aching. Her heart was always aching. All her life, she had known only one thing to be certain: she was incomplete.

From kindergarten, the days of playing in the sandboxes, she had made friends but none of them made her feel like everything was right in the world. Grade school, high school, and college passed, but she was still half-complete. They say the pictures you take tell something about how you view the world, and even her best friend, who knew next to nothing about photography, had commented that her pictures always seem incomplete. And it was what made her pictures captivating, intriguing. It was what her editor saw as well, and it was what landed her the job.

Yes, she was sure she was missing something.

She has had many suitors; her editor was one of them. But she had all declined their advances. Not that she was shutting herself off from the world of love. It just felt like she was betraying herself. And the worst feeling was that she was betraying something inside her _one more time_; like she had betrayed that part of herself a long time ago. Her heart was beating a different tune, singing a different song from what all her suitors were serenading her with. It was unbearable. It almost made her cry at the thought that someone else was trying to erase that hauntingly familiar song in her heart. But she could not understand why.

So why was she suddenly certain of everything now? Everything in her life had been uncertain, and yet she lived with a kind of peaceful thought that she would be certain of everything once she completes herself.

Today? Is today the day she completes herself?

Even that was uncertain, but she took one more step, and she was out into the wide world, a half-empty shell, much like what she is, hanging on her neck.

* * *

><p>She had defied the gods. She had defied fate. She had defied her parents, defied her teachers, and defied even herself. So the morning rush of people would be one last thing to defy. And yet she was finding that almost impossible. It felt like defying the gods was much easier. She could probably find a way to deflect the anger of the gods, but there was just no deflecting the incoming onslaught of the urban humanity as they raced to their jobs. The human <em>race<em>. She found that amusing and annoying at the same time.

She could have taken the car. But she wanted to walk. She wanted to walk towards her goal. No more running, no more hurrying. Today was not the day for that. She wanted to do things right this time. She wanted to walk calmly towards the dream, the only ray of hope she saw for herself, she had built within herself during those dark days locked in a temple where night ruled eternal. It was her personal sunshine. It was her own sun; the sun to the moon that she was. She was in darkness for the moon needed to have a sun to shine. And her sun was so far away, far from her cold hands.

But not anymore.

A few more steps, if only she could muster her strength to defy one more element: the human race.

Suddenly she was unsure. She had faith. She trusted. But her fear was now steadily creeping in her heart as she inched closer to her dream. All the what-ifs, all the doubts are now pouring in. She struggled to keep her composure. No! This is not the time to be uncertain. This is not the time to be weak. This is not the time to question her heart. This is not the time to start singing dark songs. This is not the time for uncertainties.

She took one more shaky step, uncertain and yet believing at the same time.

One more wave of humanity, and she stopped.

And then braced herself for the sun.

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><p>Bullies had always seen Himeko as a kind of wimp. Good thing for Himeko she was always surrounded by people who refused to be bullied. She couldn't imagine life without her friends, always protecting her. She probably would never have survived middle school if it were not for them.<p>

But today was different.

She walked with an air of superiority, every step was certain. Her feet stepped firmly on the ground, shifted her weight, and took one more step. The world was alive, breathing, and bright. She was certain; more certain now than she had ever been her entire life.

There were no doubts, no fears, no questions.

She did not trudge, did not shuffle, did not in any way doubted her gait. She was sure. Of what? Who knows? But she was certain and it was all that mattered. She was finally certain.

And then she stopped.

The rest of the world did not come to a standstill. In fact, they continued walking. But she stopped. Time did not stop. In fact it continued its eternal run. But she stopped.

She stopped not because she was suddenly uncertain. She did not stop because of doubt. She stopped because she needed to run now. She stopped because her feet needed leverage so they could run properly. She stopped because water had started to fill her eyes. She stopped because her heart was beating with mad happiness, making her entire body shake with irrepressible joy. The world was a blur of unending colors, but she saw one thing clearly, only one thing. And she needed to run towards it.

She had waited too long. She had fought bravely for too long. She had struggled against everything that tried to separate her from the only thing she was certain about. She never doubted, never faltered. She had let herself cry and mourn for something she was so certain was coming but was making her wait too long. But all that was over now.

She ran because the impossible was here and now. The moon, radiant and beautiful and always just one more arm's length away from her was here and now. And she needed to shine, shine more than she had ever shone before. For the moon. All for the moon. Always for the moon.

Yes, the only thing she was certain about was that the moon was only for her. And the moon was here and now, just one more arm's length away from her, waiting for her. And she will cross that arm's length. She will cross eternity if need be. But the moon had done that for her. She needed but to cross the short distance now.

With tears on her eyes, and every nerve singing happiness and joy and everything else forgotten, she ran. Damn humanity if they tried to stop her. Nothing could stop the sun from shining. Damn the gods if they stood on her way. She would burn them with the fire she had gently kindled inside her all those long lonely years; the fire that was blazing inside her now.

She ran towards the moon.

* * *

><p>Fate, on her pedestal where she thought no one could defy her, felt awed. Yes, people had defied her from time to time. But she always had her way in the end. But here now, before her, were two destinies that defied her over and over again. And it seemed, in their eternal, repetitive lives, that they would continue to do so for...<em>love<em>. Ah. So it wasn't as over-rated as she had always thought.

She once asked the moon if all her sacrifices were worth it. The moon said yes for she saw the sun.

And the moon, defiant, proud, and always noble, did something Fate never thought she would do. She begged.

She bargained. She gambled her own destiny and bet on unfounded faith.

And, against Fate, the moon won.

Fate could almost hear her brother Death saying, "I told you so."

Against Death and Fate. Who would have thought?


End file.
